


But I, I Am Still Here

by heartsinger



Category: Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Book 01: Way of Kings Compliant, Book 01: Way of Kings Spoilers, Book 02: Words of Radiance Spoilers, Canon Autistic Character, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Holding Hands, Hurt/Comfort, POV Multiple, POV Second Person, POV Third Person Limited, Physical Contact Issues, autistic renarin is autistic, canonical fake character death, just a lil for a dream, meeting access needs, renarin is best brother, soft, the thrill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21890224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsinger/pseuds/heartsinger
Summary: Shallan and Kaladin are gone. Adolin couldn't save them. Renarin does what he can. A look at what went on for Adolin while Kaladin and Shallan were in the chasms. (Adapted from the longer version of "Honesty".)
Relationships: Adolin Kholin & Dalinar Kholin, Adolin Kholin & Renarin Kholin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 34





	But I, I Am Still Here

**Author's Note:**

> This is from the continuation of "Honesty" that I've been working on this whole time. I need to publish _something,_ and this stands alone pretty well. It's mostly canon compliant, but some of Renarin's thoughts probably won't quite make sense. Expect a more refined version of this entire piece to appear in the finished version, which just passed 40,000 words.
> 
> Also consider it your collective Yule / winter celebration of your choice present if that’s your jam.
> 
> Title is a song lyric taken from Avril Lavigne's "Too Much To Ask" from _Let Go._ The rest of the lyrics are not applicable.
> 
> Acknowledgements: Endless thanks to Rasarr, without whom the first one-shot would have been the end of it, and to gostaks for helping me hammer out my vision of Renarin's feelings and access needs around physical contact.

Dalinar found his feet as Adolin put him down. He took a step farther into the plateau, then looked at his son. The devastated expression on Adolin's face was only present for a breath before he stopped showing emotion.  _ 'He really was falling in love with her.' _ Adolin turned toward the approaching Parshendi and asked, "Orders, Father?"

Dalinar scanned the field. There was no reason to attempt to hold their ground. He signalled the retreat. When he looked to Adolin, he saw in his eyes the request his son wouldn't voice; he wanted to fight. Dalinar couldn't blame him. "Take the rearguard. Don't get cut off, and don't let us leave you behind."

"Yes, Father," Adolin said, Shardblade coalescing in his hand.

* * *

Adolin could still hear the sound of the bridge collapsing in his ears. He fought with all his usual grace, but it seemed a wretched thing. He hoped for the Thrill, but it didn't come. He burnt out the eyes of Parshendi after Parshendi, but he still felt as though his heart had shattered in his chest. But this wasn't the time, so he swallowed all emotion and kept killing.

He didn't have any trouble keeping up with army; he wasn't lost in the joy of the slaughter. Soon enough, the Parshendi began to disengage.

Once the enemy was well behind them, Adolin rejoined his father and Sureblood, who he'd left behind in his rush to stop thinking. Once he was mounted up, Father touched his Plate-covered shoulder briefly. "I'm sorry, son. I think she could have been good for you."

The grief Adolin had suppressed returned, roughening his voice. "I should never have let her talk me into bringing her out here."

Dalinar shook his head. "Don't do that to yourself."

"Do what? Tell myself the truth?"

"It's not the truth. You did as you did for good reason. None of us had cause to suspect foul play."

"I should have known."

"How?"

Adolin fell silent. He was aware on some level he didn't really have a leg to stand on, but he couldn't say it, couldn't yet face helplessness.

* * *

Hours later, Adolin finally escaped the storming feast. He'd had to stand around for hours being charming and strong, when all he wanted to do was scream that all of this was pointless. What did it matter?

He reminded himself over and over that the stability of the kingdom was at stake. The family had to seem strong. So he showed the world a smiling face. He couldn't flirt, though, so he kept to men's areas. Everything hurt, and he prayed his smile didn't look as brittle as it felt.

He couldn't decide which was more infuriating: the people who pretended nothing had happened, or the ones who offered false sympathy. After all his friends had proved faithless, he really didn't care to speak to any of them, but he had to keep it together.

Now that was over. Adolin flopped onto his bed without bothering to take off his boots. Why bother? Shallan was dead. Kaladin was dead. Adolin curled onto his side and finally let himself cry.

Far too short a time later, a knock came at the door. Adolin ignored it. Whoever it was could storm off. The knock came again, and then the door opened and someone walked through. "Get out," Adolin croaked, not bothering to turn and see who it was.

"No," Renarin replied.

Adolin turned, so surprised the tears stopped. "Renarin? I thought you would be back with Bridge Four."

"Lieutenant Teft released me. They don't need me. You do." Renarin sat on the edge of Adolin's bed and stroked his hair.

Adolin began to weep again, and he curled into his brother's side, then remembered he probably shouldn’t, but before he could pull away, Renarin put a reassuring and firm hand on his shoulder, clearly saying that Adolin could stay. Adolin relaxed. Renarin started to sing Mother's favorite lullaby. Adolin sobbed. He felt like he might shake apart. He felt so, so cold, and Renarin's presence seemed like the only thing connecting Adolin to what was real.

Eventually, the tears started to subside. "I should never have let her talk me into bringing her."

Renarin frowned and shook his head. "It's not your fault. The scientific inquiry was important. She had a right to her own decisions."

Adolin shook his head. "I should have been able to protect her."

"You couldn't possibly have known what would happen. Leave the blame where it belongs—on the saboteur."

"I don't know how."

Renarin sighed. "Give it time. Now come, you aren't wearing your uniform to sleep."

Adolin unenthusiastically complied, and for the first time noted the enormous stack of blankets Renarin must have brought with him. "You don't need to—"

"You shouldn't have to be alone. It's not—I don't—" Renarin gave up on putting whatever it wasn't into words. "I'm doing this for you whether you like it or not." With that, Renarin handed Adolin sleeping clothes, then grabbed the blankets and started dividing the bed in half with them.

It was something they hadn't done in years. Last time had been in the weeks after Mother's passing. Renarin would stack blankets between them so Adolin couldn't accidentally hold him while asleep, which upset Renarin for reasons Adolin still didn't understand, and they'd share a bed, hand in hand. Adolin loved it, but he always worried it was too much for his brother.

Absent-mindedly, Adolin changed his clothes. By the time he was done, the bed was ready. Renarin tucked him in, then changed himself and slid under the covers on the other side of the blanket wall. Then he took Adolin's hand.

"Sleep, Brother, and wake me if you have trouble," Renarin said. Adolin opened his mouth to object, but Renarin glared him down. "I mean it. You always take care of me. Let me take care of you."

Adolin cobbled together a wan smile and said, "If you insist." Then he closed his eyes. He expected to have difficulty falling asleep, but it was easy. What wasn't easy was what happened next.

* * *

_ You're standing on the edge of the chasm, about to step onto the bridge. Your betrothed stands there, and the captain, and your father, and your brother. You hear a sickening crack. You try to move, but you can't. They're all falling, falling, falling. The crack echoes in your ears, drowning them out. But then you hear Renarin, and he isn't screaming.  _

* * *

The whimpers invaded Renarin's dreams as a wounded axehound at first, but the trembling of the hand in his caused his eyes to fly open, and he sat up. "Adolin, c'mon, wake up! It's a nightmare!" Renarin shook his brother's shoulder. After a long moment, Adolin opened his eyes.

He blinked. "Wh—what?"

"We're in your rooms in the warcamp. It's sometime after third moonrise. You were shaking and whimpering."

"Why are you—"

Renarin's eyes flicked up to Adolin's face without him telling them to, so he saw the gutted look in his brother's eyes the moment he remembered why Renarin was here. His eyes filled with tears, and Renarin's heart broke a little for him.

"Do you want to tell me?"

Adolin shrugged. "It was the bridge all over again, but you and Father fell, too. I didn't help, just froze."

Renarin nodded solemnly. Other people, in moments like this, would say something about how it was alright now. Renarin didn't get why people liked lying about these things so much. "This is awful, but I'm still here. Father is too, because you saved him."

That made Adolin start crying again. Renarin wasn't sure whether that was good or bad. He just stroked his brother's hair and waited. Adolin would say what he wanted when he was ready. One of Adolin's best traits was that he usually managed to actually tell Renarin what he wanted, instead of lying, or perhaps being wrong, and then getting angry with Renarin for not knowing.

"The captain wasn't even on the bridge. He ran back to it. How was he so stupidly brave?"

Renarin opened his mouth to tell Adolin that Captain Kaladin would be back, then shut it. Adolin was already far too suspicious, and Renarin wasn't as sure as the others. What if he couldn't find enough Stormlight? Renarin wanted to demand they return and find him, but Father wouldn't do it, not when he believed all of them were dead. Making more corpses to retrieve some was hardly sensible.

Instead, he shrugged and started singing. It seemed Adolin was too tired to catch even that obvious of a dodge, because he started falling asleep again immediately.

Once his brother was asleep, Renarin fixed the blankets and whispered, "You'll get through this, Brother." Then he got back under the covers and took Adolin's hand again. It was good to be near him again. Renarin knew his brother vividly remembered a couple of times when they'd been young that an overly enthusiastic hug had made Renarin cry, and it made him worry too much. Renarin hated being unexpectedly grabbed, and he couldn't stand waking up confined, but this worked. He could think all that out, but anytime he tried to put it into words, they got all tangled in his brain. Renarin sighed. He needed to sleep; he had to be up before dawn. So he breathed deeply, trying to stop thinking, and eventually fell asleep.


End file.
